MYSTORY.JOURNEYTOWORTHY.COM

BlueRoad

2011-04-04T23:06:00Z

Check out my new project BlueRoad.

It is about my journey on my Harley to find my authentic self.

http://jaclynheyen.com/BlueRoad

Show Me The Way

2010-08-07T02:33:00Z

Last week I was asked to present at the Renfrew Conference in Philly with my Partners in Advocacy this November 2010. They asked me if I would sing a song I wrote in 2005 for a presentation we did for IAEDP. One of my Partners in Advocacy uses a recording of this song to start out all of her presentations but I haven't sung this song in years. So I thought I would pull it out tonight to see if I remember how it goes.

It was interesting when I wrote it I was trying to think of what to tell professionals in the Eating Disorder field what was a key in my treatment. What I needed from my team to be successful.

Here are the lyrics:

Show Me The Way

Show me the way to my soul

Finding the Passion

Will lead to the soul

The soul leads to me

Show me the way to my soul

Believe enough in me and you

Until I can believe in me

While practicing this song tonight I could picture my Dynamic Duo, my Team and how very lucky I am to have two wonderful women in my life who believed enough in themselves that they could believed in me when I couldn't. They knew I would one day kick EDs butt. And the end of my song is actually true (even though at the time I wrote it I just wanted a motivating ending). Now that I do believe in myself my Team is still there for me. With all my Love, Thank You A&A!! I can never tell you enough how much I appreciate the both of you and what you have done for me. I am the luckiest!!

The Start of a New Journey

2010-06-21T16:52:00Z

I finished my MM in Music Technology!! I am very blessed because not only did I graduate from college I graduated from my journey to self-worth. After 8 years of therapy and training myself to love myself I am ready to try it on my own. I have to say so far so good... but that doesn't mean I am done learning about myself or done with my journey of finding myself. There are so many different layers to each of us and I believe each layer needs to be found to become your true self. So my next stop on this journey is finding my creative self. I couldn't be in a better place for this. I decided to stay here in the Hudson Valley working at the Deep Listening Institute because this allows me the time and the environment to find this creative self.

In the past month I have met some amazing people. And I have met these people because of the encouragement I get from the people I work with here at Deep Listening. I am very fortunate to find the perfect place for this adventure as I was lucky to find the perfect place for my adventure of finding my self-worth. i believe it is written in the stars for me to find my true self because each time I am ready the world is ready to receive and guide me to that perfect place.

It is interesting how these different journeys cross and you find a deeper part of the journey before. I found my voice after many years of silence during my journey to self-worth but now I am working on finding my voice in creativity. Singing has come and gone with me. It is something that is very fragile and personal and out of fear I would put it away for years or create a voice that is not my own. Now I am seeking this powerful voice I have felt inside. It is amazing how something like this can feel like it is erupting from within and that is how it has felt for the past few years. I felt I was not true to my voice, that there is something inside me that needs to be let loose. I am working with a vocal teacher and meeting some AMAZING vocalist to help me on this path. I can feel this eruption starting to calm as I start to allow this voice to be heard. I am so excited about the possibilities of this step and how it can lead to other parts of my creative self.

For my first performance of this new journey I will be playing at the Deep Listening Space with Lisa B. Kelley on Saturday 6/26/10 at 8pm. Lisa is an amazing vocalist and this will be something you won't want to miss!!

If you are in the Kingston NY area the address is 77 Cornell St Suite 303 Admission is $10/$8.

If you are not in the Kingston area you can watch a live stream on ustream on the Deep Listening Institute channel.

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/deep-listening-institute-presents

Stay tunes for updates on this new journey!

Thank you for all your support!!

Jackie

Made it!

2010-01-12T17:09:00Z

I made it to my new destination. It was quite the long drive but I enjoyed it. I went to visit my parent in Nashville for a day and then headed the rest of the way to Kingston NY. I was pretty impressed that Hunka Hunka Junka (my car) only had one big issue. I was about 180 miles outside of Kingston and I blew a fuse and lost my tail lights. It was late at night so I had to pull over and stay in a hotel til daylight hours. This of course made the next day really long. I got to my new place unpacked the babies and my Harley and then rushed into town to get my lights fixed and then started my internship. I am really excited about this new adventure. The town is nice and the scenery is great. The internship will be quite fun and I hope to make a difference. Everyone is so polite and it puts my mind at ease. I have only been here for 26 hours but it feels like home. I can't wait to see what the next 4 months bring.

Things I learned on my first day here in NY.

My nutritionist gave me a box to put in different things I will need to bring with me on my new adventure. We wrote words like independence, strength, compassion and so on. Yesterday I definitely thought about those words when I arrived.

First I had to figure out how in the world I was going to get my Harley off the trailer by myself. (first time) With snow all around I wasn't sure if I would be able to do it. So instead of sitting there telling myself I can't do it, I just did it. I used independence and was so proud of myself after the fact. I thought for sure it would take hours to figure it out but I made a plan how it was going to work and where I was putting the bike and trailer. I pumped myself up and just did it. And I accomplished it without dumping the bike or slipping at all. I even parked the trailer. Woohoo!!

Second I had to be confident in myself when I went into my internship for the first day. I felt at ease when I walked in and I believed that I could give important information to the group. So I wasn't afraid to speak up and say what I thought. Such a huge change from the me of a few years ago.

Today I am here at the library to use the internet and unloading the car and unpacking.

Life is good and getting better!

Happy New Year

2010-01-01T01:50:00Z

Happy New Year!

It is just amazing what a new year can bring not to mention a new decade. I am so grateful for the last decade. It was a decade of change.

2000 I was deep in the midst of my eating disorder (ED) knowing that my time would come for me to be in a hospital. I went inpatient at the Renfrew Center that June.

2001 I thought my ED was going to have the best of me. I honestly thought I would die from ED. I moved to Florida to seek the treatment I needed, not too sure if it would work but I had nothing to loose.

2005 I started back to school to finish up my bachelors in Music. ED was fading away and I was finally coming to the forefront.

2007 my first CD came out and I got a Harley. (One of the most daring years)

2008 I graduated and started my master in Music and ED was not in my life anymore.

Now the start of 2010 I am leaving my safety net here in Florida and moving to try something new. It is only fitting that my life without ED starts a new decade. A new decade of living life for me and enjoying the person I have become. A new decade of seeing myself in the mirror instead of that nasty ED. What excitement, anxiety, joy, sadness and so many other feelings that come with this new year. All these feeling are strange and new but so wonderful because I know of the amazing adventures in my future.

A new decade is a great time for change, to do things differently, to leave ED behind.

Good Luck! Stay Safe!

Join the wave of self-love! You are Worthy!

Thanks for all your support!

Jackie

A New Start

2009-12-26T04:34:00Z


Well here I am doing a blog.  Trying to figure out how I can totally free myself of ED and my past to open myself up to my 
future.  
October 1, 2001 I chose recovery.  I made a deal with my ED (eating disorder) to give me one last chance at recovery.  
For this I promised if I failed again ED could have my life.   I packed up everything I owned and moved to Florida hoping 
to find what I needed.  Not to sure if it was even possible and was pretty sure that ED would win.  He had won every other 
battle so why should this be different.  Now over 8 years later I can say that this battle was different.  I actually won!  My life
 has changed completely and sometimes I have a hard time accepting and realizing just how this came about.  I am ready 
for new future and new adventures.  I am ready to let go of the past and accept my present and look forward to my future.  
I am moving in 2 weeks from today for an internship to finish up my masters in music.  I can't express how amazing this is 
and how scary this is all at the same time.  That is what this blog is going to help me do.  This will help me let it all out.  
The past, the present and the future thoughts.  This will allow me to be heard and to let go.  No hard feelings just lessons
 learned.
A week ago I was emailing a friend and telling her about all these emotions I have been feeling and unable to express. 
Feeling about leaving the safe secure nest I have made for myself here in Miami.  I think this part of the email is a good 
place to start.
     I am really anxious and stressed this morning about leaving. My therapist wants me to write about all these emotions 
     that I can't seem to let myself feel. I can say I am sad or anxious or excited I just can't completely let myself feel them 
     so they can work their way thru. I start to write and about 10 minutes into it I stop because the feelings are just too 
     much, mainly because i don't like to cry. but they aren't just tears of sadness they are tears of joy and relief. How do 
     you express how grateful you are to someone who saved your life, who gave you a chance when no one else did? 
     How do you express what it feels like to change your life completely and let go of the scary dark past? How do you 
     feel the feelings of a lifetime that were shoved so deep but now can be set free? How do you express the guilt you 
     feel because you got rid of ED and there are so many people who haven't and feel like they can't? How do you allow 
     yourself to accept being the one that lived when so much of your life all you wanted to do was die? How do you express 
     the relief and joy you feel because life is so much more than you expected? How do you express the fear that you have
     that one day you will wake up and realize this is all a dream or realize that you died and this is the afterlife, a life you 
     could of led if you made different choices? How do you express the thankfulness of the life you led that made you 
     who you are today? How do you express the excitement you feel because you know your life is in your control and 
     you can do and accomplish whatever your heart desires? How do you say goodbye to 2 people who were there for 
     you and are the only people who stuck by you thru the good and the bad and truly cared and loved you?
So many things to think about.  So many feelings to feel.  The great thing about feelings is they let you know you are alive 
and living life to the fullest.  I am thankful for all these feelings even though they may seem a little overwhelming right now.  
I know all will be well.  I know it is time to feel these feelings so I can start my future.
It is weird to me that during my time with ED I felt all alone even though there are many who are out their suffering from the 
same thing.  Now I feel like I am all alone leaving ED behind.  I thank you for reading so I don't feel so alone.  I hope you 
can join me in my journey.

Welcome

2009-12-25T03:53:40Z