Well here I am doing a blog.  Trying to figure out how I can totally free myself of ED and my past to open myself up to my 
future.  
October 1, 2001 I chose recovery.  I made a deal with my ED (eating disorder) to give me one last chance at recovery.  
For this I promised if I failed again ED could have my life.   I packed up everything I owned and moved to Florida hoping 
to find what I needed.  Not to sure if it was even possible and was pretty sure that ED would win.  He had won every other 
battle so why should this be different.  Now over 8 years later I can say that this battle was different.  I actually won!  My life
 has changed completely and sometimes I have a hard time accepting and realizing just how this came about.  I am ready 
for new future and new adventures.  I am ready to let go of the past and accept my present and look forward to my future.  
I am moving in 2 weeks from today for an internship to finish up my masters in music.  I can't express how amazing this is 
and how scary this is all at the same time.  That is what this blog is going to help me do.  This will help me let it all out.  
The past, the present and the future thoughts.  This will allow me to be heard and to let go.  No hard feelings just lessons
 learned.
A week ago I was emailing a friend and telling her about all these emotions I have been feeling and unable to express. 
Feeling about leaving the safe secure nest I have made for myself here in Miami.  I think this part of the email is a good 
place to start.
     I am really anxious and stressed this morning about leaving. My therapist wants me to write about all these emotions 
     that I can't seem to let myself feel. I can say I am sad or anxious or excited I just can't completely let myself feel them 
     so they can work their way thru. I start to write and about 10 minutes into it I stop because the feelings are just too 
     much, mainly because i don't like to cry. but they aren't just tears of sadness they are tears of joy and relief. How do 
     you express how grateful you are to someone who saved your life, who gave you a chance when no one else did? 
     How do you express what it feels like to change your life completely and let go of the scary dark past? How do you 
     feel the feelings of a lifetime that were shoved so deep but now can be set free? How do you express the guilt you 
     feel because you got rid of ED and there are so many people who haven't and feel like they can't? How do you allow 
     yourself to accept being the one that lived when so much of your life all you wanted to do was die? How do you express 
     the relief and joy you feel because life is so much more than you expected? How do you express the fear that you have
     that one day you will wake up and realize this is all a dream or realize that you died and this is the afterlife, a life you 
     could of led if you made different choices? How do you express the thankfulness of the life you led that made you 
     who you are today? How do you express the excitement you feel because you know your life is in your control and 
     you can do and accomplish whatever your heart desires? How do you say goodbye to 2 people who were there for 
     you and are the only people who stuck by you thru the good and the bad and truly cared and loved you?
So many things to think about.  So many feelings to feel.  The great thing about feelings is they let you know you are alive 
and living life to the fullest.  I am thankful for all these feelings even though they may seem a little overwhelming right now.  
I know all will be well.  I know it is time to feel these feelings so I can start my future.
It is weird to me that during my time with ED I felt all alone even though there are many who are out their suffering from the 
same thing.  Now I feel like I am all alone leaving ED behind.  I thank you for reading so I don't feel so alone.  I hope you 
can join me in my journey.